Maybe if we say please . . .

Officials Ask Hamm to Give Up Gold Medal

Stupid Koreans, stupid International Gymnastics whathaveyou, sportsmanship and fair play is the mantra of people who aren't winners.

Proof: "We tried as hard as we could," U.S. Dream Team member Allen Iverson said after loss. "They were a better team than us tonight."

The Answer needs a hug.

We call such people losers. We don't truck with losers around these parts.

Voluntarily give back the gold? You're not listening: Paul Hamm is a winner. Regardless of how mediocre he was in the individual and team competitions, in the individual all-around he came to play. He faltered, came back, finished well--relatively, and was nudged to that highest podium by three simultaneous and grotesque officiating breakdowns.

Winner.

I watched more gymnastics than anything else this time around, and with each mind-numbing hour of programming, it became more and more clear that world gymnastics is an embarrassment.

It sucks for Hamm; it sucks for the Korean kids who were probably better than him; it sucks for me especially, having no gleaming metal disk or crown of olive branches to show for the time I spent watching the debacle.

Instead of typed pleas to the winner, FIG or whatever should be spending this time hand writing individualized apologies to the TV-watching world in an act of ascetic penance. Lick those envelopes manually.

This one I wrote in cold blood with a toothpick.